Speak in Your Own Voice

 I am preparing for a presentation in a couple weeks, and I started thinking about general guidelines for conversation.  None of this is based particularly on the setting or people, but on past experiences in group settings.  As I was preparing, I started seeing a theme in my guidelines - that is how important it is for people to speak in their own voice.  

On many occasions, when communicating, people have a tendency to hide their own voice in one way or another.  Perhaps this is a way of avoiding confrontation out of fear or feeling that their opinion is less than adequate.  The result of it is that it obfuscates the message and makes it unclear what they are actually communicating.  On the converse, when people speak clearly in their own voice, it allows for much freer communication and openness.

Below I have the guidelines for open communication.  None of these are my original thoughts, but are a compilation of ideas to help groups communicate more clearly.  

Guidelines

The guidelines are as follows:

Speak in Your Own Voice

  • "Some people" and "other people" don't exist
  • Use "I" statements
  • Say what you mean and mean what you say
  • Don't hide behind text
  • Be aware of tone, expression and body language

"Some people" and "other people" don't exist

I don't care where you go to church or who your clergy person is, I can tell you without asking what their pet peeve is.  It is when someone comes up to them and says: "Some people are saying..." or "Other people think..."  Every colleague I have talked to about this has heard this and every single one of them hates this.  Honestly, the reason is that we all see through it.  Anyone in leadership who has heard this knows "Other people" or "Some people" is you.  

Using these phrases is a form of triangulation.  Triangulation is pulling a third person into a conversation who should not be in that conversation.  In this case, it creates a straw man of a group of people who may or may not exist to make it sound like there is a coalition behind said complaint.  

Using this tactic is dishonest and can be rather destructive.  However, there is something even deeper troubling when people use these phrases.  What it tells me when someone says this to me is that the person saying it believes that their voice doesn't matter.  They are telling me that they do not believe what they have to say is important enough to stand on its own.  I have deep pity for those who use this phrase when talking to me because I know at its root level, they do not value their own voice.

Use "I" Statements

The solution to the preceding problem and the clearest way to speak is to own your own opinion.  Even if others may have shared a concern with you, that is their concern to share.  If you share it, you should always speak for yourself.  

When a person tells me that they as an individual believe something, I have a great deal more respect for that.  This of course does not mean I will automatically share said opinion, but I can better understand where someone is coming from when they talk about how an issue affects them, personally.  

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

This is an old expression, but a valuable one.  Being clear requires a person to not only articulate their thoughts, but to understand them first.  Quite often I find myself stumbling over words, particularly when something is bothering me, but I don't exactly know what it is.  

When discussing a challenging subject it is helpful to think through the issue and how it personally affect you.  Perhaps writing things out, taking a walk or talking it through with a trusted confidant may help you understand more how such a topic makes you feel and is personally relevant.

Further, articulating these topics correctly is important.  It's best to not beat around the bush or use euphemisms, but speak directly about the subject at hand.  

Of course, Jesus, was brilliant in using parables to talk about subjects.  The Bible has other examples of parables, such as Nathan confronting David about his affair with Bathsheba (2 Samuel 12:7-14).  The use of parables requires a highly gifted story teller who deeply understands the subject prior to using it.  This is a tool that is often best left in the toolbox unless you are someone who is gifted at narrative.

Don't Hide Behind Text

This is a topic I have written about elsewhere in this blog, but it is a great challenge in this day and age, where text is our primary form of communication.  I say this completely aware of the fact that I am communicating with you, the reader, through text at this very moment.  I am a great lover of the written word, and I find sending text messages, DM's, emails, etc to be a highly useful form of communication.  It is a simple and effective way to transmit ideas and data quickly and efficiently.

The challenge with text is when you're dealing with emotionally charged subjects.  I have read that 93% of human communication is nonverbal.  This means that right now, I am only communicating 7% of the full message I would be if I were standing if front of you, telling you this.  Were you in my physical presence, you would hear my tone of voice, read my body language and facial expressions.  You would have an intuitive sense of what I mean when I shake your hand or pat you on the shoulder.  Human beings evolved to communicate with a depth of expression and written words simply cannot carry all the freight.

This becomes particularly important when you need to communicate emotion.  I think of some poor souls who have had a relationship ended over a text message or who were fired over an email.  In these cases, text becomes another form of triangulation that the communicator hides behind.  Like the first it lacks courage and it communicates a lack of value in one's own voice.  We do live in an age when we've added emojis 😀, which sometimes can add a bit of depth and levity, but they are still substitutes for real communication. 

Be Aware of Tone, Expression & Body Language

Reflecting on the second to last point, I had a professor who added to the above expression by saying: "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and never say it mean."  Also related to the last point, and how humans fully communicate, it is not just what we say that is important, but how we say it.  This may be the most challenging part of communication, and why human beings often hide behind things like "other people" and text.  

Quite often we withhold information to preserve the feelings of others.  However, this does not resolve issues or communicate fully.  We can however, do something to preserve the listener's feelings.  That is to measure how what we say is said.  Opening our body language, softening our tone and expression can help the other person feel that they are being heard and cared for.  


Ultimately, communication is caring for the other.  It is how we, as Jesus commands us, "Love our neighbor as ourselves".  We care for ourself by expressing ourselves adequately and we care for the other by doing so as well.  And we also care for the other by communicating properly and with the fullest level of compassion for the other.  Ultimately, speaking in your own voice is a Christian value, because it is an expression of love.

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